i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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