i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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