Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
