ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
