I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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