Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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