I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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