How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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