My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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