i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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