Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
