im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
