Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
