i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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