I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
