i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
