I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Someone came in the potted fern
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
