She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
