I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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