She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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