New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
