GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
