I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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