Do you still have your period?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
