I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
