Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
