I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Randomize
