I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
