My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
