Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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