I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
