a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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