I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
