remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
