I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
