my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
