My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
