She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
