Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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