Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
