I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
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I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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