and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
