The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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