I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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