I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
This house was built for laser tag.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
