saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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