I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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