this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
