I wish my penis had an off switch
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
