who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
