No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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