Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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