somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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