I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
