So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
