when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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