I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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