I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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