got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
