Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
