wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
